How can you turn to community to heal when community is where you were broken?
Bathtub Chronicles by ethos
Everywhere you turn in the liberatory, activist, somatic and healing worlds, you hear every influencer, every author, every thought leader, everyone saying, âcommunity is where you heal and if you donât, youâre self isolating and youâre not healing. Youâre being hyper individualistic.â
There are not really any nuanced conversations that leave space for those of us who are constantly harmed and thrown away by âcommunityâ time and time and time again. What weâre usually guilty of? Being one of the only people willing to speak to a prominent community members harm and abuse.
You even walk away to let the harm doers show their face and harm everyone else, but yet you watch âcommunityâ harbor the abuser and throw away the victim. The abuser usually is situated in positions of identities of power (even the most marginalized identities are weaponized as a shield by harm doers) and have their flying monkeys of white saviors that encircle them every time someone clocks onto their patterns.
Then these people organize smear and Badjacketing campaigns to further harm the comrade who was brave enough (or neurodivergent enough) to speak the harm out loud. They spread false lies of âsnitchingâ; of being an âopâ; and manipulating their reputation behind their back until all community support and resources are rescinded because of lies.
This is the community yall preaching? Because this has happened in the Black Lives Matter movement, in the #metoo, at Standing Rock with the yt anarchists, the Palestinian movement, the LGBTQ (my own) movement ESPECIALLY.
PSL is busy shoving yt European dead men down everyoneâs throats and hiding predators and sexual abusers in their dirty closet. PYM is accepting money from WESPAC. JVP is hiding 10s of millions of dollars and only does pretty instagrammable rallies. AROC allowing their social media director to harm tons of Arab women with inappropriate predatorial behavior. MAPS is now an arm for the US war machine. Decriminalize Nature was always a sham. Zendo harbors abusers and SAârs to hold space and trip sit vulnerable people. Almost ALL the festival medical companies on the west coast are ran by GHB and ketamine addicted yt men (one of which has multiple accusations of dosing multiple women unconsensually for months).
And if anyone says anything, kiss your access to the movement and activism goodbye. Kiss goodbye to any social circles you may have made and kiss any community resources that you may need if you catch a case.
Why?
Because being in proximation to whiteness and capitalism is more beneficial than doing the real psychosomatic spiritual work of neurodecolonization. Because radical and critical awakening through neurodecolonization is hard and is disgusting and one of the scariest things I have done and continue to do every day.
I am sitting 2 weeks after my last Kambo session still unable to eat, still detoxing & suffering incredibly as the medicine works soberly through my somatic system to purge 6 years of unprocessed trauma.
I am humbled by this medicine again as I realized I never sat with it without ayahuasca and have let it work on its own.
itâs not a pretty process
And not only that, I have a deep fear of what is going to happen when all this trauma is finally released. There is a deep somatic sense of emptiness that I realized I have been running from my whole life and probably was conditioned to run from and why our lives are constantly full of consumption.
Because we donât and havenât been given the tools to be able to hold the process of feeling the emptiness left behind when we actually clear trauma from our somatic systems.
As I dive deeper into my work around neurocolonization and understanding how manipulated our neurotransmitters are to be addicted to the trauma and oppressive cultures of the cosmology of separability, I realize that in this round of Kambo, that is what I am actually doing on such a deep level after 5 years of medicine work, taking 5 years away and then coming back to the medicine. I am purging all this that was being held in my body after experiencing such significant trauma from supposed âliberatory movementsâ that are harboring an incredibly harmful abuser who hides behind their marginalized identity, getting exiled for speaking out about it and all the while facing 19 months state repression for shutting down the Golden Gate Bridge on April 15, 2024 for Gaza.
As I have been working hard to not engage in the empireâs operating system of neurocolonization and to rewire my neural pathways by habit changes, mindfulness, embodiment practice, Iyengar yoga, acupuncture and everything and anything to heal so I wouldnât be devastated by further brain damaged from my cPTSD, I realize as Iâm suffering from my second round of Kambo, that engaging in this path and in this letting go isnât for the faint hearted. Itâs not for the avoidant. Not for the anxious. Not for those who want to be addicted.
But itâs for those who are dying from this empire. For those who are legitimately so sick and tired that you are willing to let frog poison, juice from a vine, or chemical substances alter your entire body for your healing.
But most importantly, I do this for future generations. To purge the yuck and muck that has been sitting in my organs and my gut waiting for me to be ready to let go. So that I donât pass down these habits and these traumas to my children. When I was 18, I determined that the pattern of violence and abuse in my family lineage stopped with me. The integrity and devotion to this path is evidence of that.
I was literally dying and so inflamed from the last 5 years of trauma and getting covid 5 times. I feel that through every industry and every movement, I collected the collectiveâs trauma and grief and Iâve been carrying it in my body for the last 5 years. & explains the weight I havenât been able to shed no matter how hard I tried; itâs all somatic.
My body has been purging through its endocrine system and purging congestion after congestion. My memory has worsened from further prefrontal cortex damage.
But yesterday, I looked in the mirror and finally saw my face staring back at me for the first time in 5 years since I was able to finally walk away from my abusive ex.
Iâm finally coming home
But how many liberatory movements and those within it are willing to let go of the trauma that drives our anger and for us to sit in the sadness and grief below it all? How many organizations are prepared for that? How many organizations are preparing for a societal and climate collapse and the collective grief that comes with that?
This is why Hospicing Modernity and shifting our collective consciousness to change our goals of progress to goals of expanded capacity, is not just vital, but life and death of our future.
We need more folks dedicated to the path to be purgers of collective grief so we may have the capacity to hold the collapse and hospice empire to its death so we may usher in the world in which we all belong, our children belong and 7 generations after belong.
Today, I suffer the subtle somatic shifts and changes happening at a cellular level, knowing that tomorrow I will have expanded capacity to continue to engage in the trauma work as a paramedic and as a student of this life.
Thank you to the stewards who have been holding this medicine so sacred so we may have these ancestral technologies to heal.
For our children.