In this episode of Compost the Empire, Ethos and Logina sit with Black queer ethical non-monogamy coach, speaker, and author Evita “LaVita Loca” Sawyers to explore what it really means to decolonize identity, attachment, and love — not as a hashtag, but as daily praxis.
We move from the big language of “decolonization” down into the body: nervous systems shaped by empire, internal surveillance, schismed selves, and the slow work of becoming indigenous to ourselves. Together, we unpack how polyamory acts like an “operating system update,” why connection is a basic human need we’re collectively terrible at, and how intersectionality and class/housing precarity shape our access to love, village, and life-long care.
This conversation is a portal into the upcoming workshop “Decolonizing Identity: From Internalized Surveillance to Relational Truth” with Evita and Logina as part of the Neurocolonization 101 series.
“Be native to yourself.” – Evita Sawyers
In This Episode We Explore
Compassion as decolonial praxis
Why Evita’s current life-theme is deep compassion for self and others
Trying to practice new ways of being while empire is actively collapsing and harming us
How to hold grace for people who are trying, failing, and trying again in real time
From big ideas to lived practice
The gap between reading the books / going to workshops and actually applying decolonial ideas to our relationships
Updating indigenous wisdom to the realities of our current, tech-saturated, crisis-ridden world
Learning to recognize where “it sounds good” versus where it’s actually embodied
Polyamory as an operating system update
Evita’s analogy: shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy as switching from Mac to PC
Polyamory as “basic relationship principles on steroids”
How our families of origin, culture, and survival strategies write code into our bodies
Why we are hard-wired for connection and still so bad at it
Intersectionality, identity & connection
Why every layer of identity (race, class, disability, gender, relationship style) shapes how we move through the world
Loving people in their wholeness rather than in fragmented, acceptable pieces
Moving beyond surface identity politics into curiosity, context, and complexity
Village, housing insecurity & “hobosexuals”
Evita’s reflection on “hobosexuals” (people dating for housing) in polyam spaces
Romantic relationships as sites of literal survival under capitalism and empire
What it means to “do life” together — beyond brunch, dates, and vacations
Reimagining who we are allowed to build life with: friends, kin, platonic partners, disabled kin, and more
Conflict, rupture & repair without the carceral lens
Why we want village, land, and multi-family houses but don’t know how to live together
Shifting accountability from “gotcha” and punishment to “I’ll hold your hand while I say this”
The sitcom illusion of 30-minute conflict resolution vs. non-linear, multi-conversation repair
Seeing conflict as a portal for healing rather than proof the relationship has failed
Neurobiology of trauma & internal surveillance
How trauma memories are stored somatically and replayed when we’re triggered
The mycelial “web” that activates old pain during present-moment conflict
Questions Evita uses with clients:
“Where are you right now?”
“What did you hear me say?”
Distinguishing between unsafe and uncomfortable, and why we confuse the two
Ego, safety strategies & self-friendship
Reframing ego not as an enemy to kill, but a tool to befriend and regulate
Recognizing our internalized surveillance and harsh managers as safety strategies frozen in time
Moving from self-war to self-alliance in our healing work
Love as praxis, not fantasy
Love as a series of choices, not just a feeling: staying, pausing, and coming back
How to choose softening when we want to harden or run
Knowing when choosing love actually means creating distance or walking away
The everyday micro-choices where “spiritual infrastructure” gets built
“Be native to yourself” — decolonization at the level of the self
Evita’s core question: How am I being indigenous to myself?
What feels at home in your body, your identity, your faith or non-faith, your gender, your desires?
Making room for people whose decolonial authenticity includes:
Being straight, cis, or Christian
Being queer, trans, polyamorous, or something else altogether
Moving away from “correct” identities and toward relational, accountable authenticity
Guest
Evita “LaVita Loca” Sawyers is a Black queer ethical non-monogamy coach, speaker, educator, and author known for her frank, emotionally honest approach to polyamory and consensual non-monogamy.
She became widely known through the documentary Poly Love, which follows her family’s experience with polyamory, and through Today’s Polyamory Reminder, a daily reflection project offering grounded insights for people navigating non-monogamous relationships. Evita is the author of A Polyamory Devotional: 365 Daily Reflections for the Consensually Non-Monogamous.
In her coaching, writing, and teaching, she supports people who are:
Opening up from monogamy
Working with jealousy and nervous system activation
Learning to communicate complex emotions with clarity and compassion
Her work is radically honest, funny, vulnerable, and deeply grounded in lived experience.
Follow Evita for more about her work on Instagram @lavitaloca34
Subscribe to her substack Evita "Lavitaloca" Sawyers
Upcoming Workshop: Decolonizing Identity – From Internalized Surveillance to Relational Truth
This episode opens the portal for our upcoming workshop with Evita & Logina as part of the Neurocolonization 101 series:
Decolonizing Identity: From Internalized Surveillance to Relational Truth
📅 February 1
🌀 Exploring:
Internalized surveillance & identity policing
Intersectionality, class, race, queerness & attachment
Moving from self-judgment to compassion through a neurodecolonial lens
Practicing relational truth in real time, not just in theory
👉 Register: bit.ly/NeuroColonization101
Reflection Question from Evita
How am I being indigenous to myself?
What feels native, honest, and at home in my body and identity — beyond performance, expectation, or pressure from any side?
You’re invited to sit with this question before joining us on February 1 and to bring whatever arises into the workshop, your journal, or your conversations with your people.
Support the Ecosystem
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